Magazine ka ba? Ang dami mong issues eh!

I was supposed to meet someone in Cubao early this morning. For work, okay, just to be clear. I did all my chores early: walked the dogs, fed the dogs, cleaned up after the dogs, etc. I sent a text message before I got into the shower but when it was time to go and I haven’t received a reply I went ahead anyway. It was raining. It’s Monday. The traffic was extra terrible. I took a cab even if I am already super broke. When I got to the meeting place, the guy was nowhere to be found. I sent text messages and called him countless of times but his phone, apparently, was turned off. Panay out of coverage area. Puta. Let me reiterate. It’s morning. On a Monday. It’s raining. And the people around me are beginning to look like shooting targets. I was this close to going ballistic. I wanted to hit someone with my umbrella. Possibly in the hopes of murdering him. Apparently, I was going to be stood up again. Yes, again.

Over the weekend, I was supposed to meet a guy for fun. I have to note that he was the one who invited me out. In fact, he was the one who kept on texting me. He even told me not to be late. Again, I did all my chores extra early just so I could arrive on time. However, when it came for the time to meet, he told me something like he was waiting for something, whatever. So I thought tuloy pa ba and I asked him what time will he be available then. But apparently, that’s all the text load he could spare because that’s the last message I got from him. Again, let me reiterate: I didn’t invite him out. He was the one who was being makulit about not being late. He was the one who kept on texting prior to the meet-up. Then this? My frustration soon snowballed into anger and eventually morphed into self-doubt. And because I had begun to actually want to go out with him, I asked myself why everything I desired or wanted felt so wrong. Why do I have this feeling that I am never going to deserve anything that I want? That was when I was reminded of the fact that as a young gay boy I learned to hate everything that I want or desire for fear of being outed. My family made me feel like whatever it is that I like is capricious and silly or worse wrong. Yes, my first betrayal as a human being I experienced firsthand from my family. And yes Ms. Winfrey that was an AHA moment.
So that’s why, apart from everything else, I was fuming when I left Cubao. In the heat of the moment, I sent the guy I was meeting (for work, okay) an angry text:

“What is happening? 8:30am Cubao Monday, right? Why the fuck are you wasting my time? Punyeta ha. So unprofessional.”

I didn’t feel good about it and I should have taken out the expletives but what can I do? I was really mad. And then I thought, yes universe, I’m now actually reinventing myself as bitch motherfucker. This sudden change of behaviour, by the way, came courtesy of Alanis Morisette because I was watching an interview of her on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday (Yes, the name of the show is Super Soul Sunday). She told Oprah that sometimes being your true self may also mean not being likeable or shunning other people’s less than stellar opinion of you. So yeah, Alanis, all I really want is some justice.

After four hours, I finally get a text message from the guy and you wouldn’t believe what he said. This was his message:

“Nasunugan po kami.”

Oh god, isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?

Wait, what? Hindi naman ata irony ‘yun. Pero, oo nga, minsan na nga lang magpaka-bitch, wrong timing pa. But no, I think it’s the universe’s way of testing me. I know I need to be bitchy already because I’ve already put up a lot of shit and stupidity from other people. Hell yeah I should be more confrontational. And then, an hour after that, I received another text from him:
“Nagsumbong pala kayo sa boss ko. Baka mawalan ako ng trabaho nito.” (I’m paraphrasing by the way)

Uh, yes, I did talk to his boss. I had to. I need to get my work done. But here’s the thing. It seems that this guy is prone to lying. He lied about me not showing up for a meeting a few days ago. And with the way he was laying the guilt trip on me I was beginning to suspect that he was lying as well about his reason for not showing up. This made me start to wonder why I didn’t like the guy in the first place. Was it because an acquaintance told me that this guy once took advantage of him? And that bit of information totally ruined the guy’s imahe for me. Was I quick to judge? Should I give him the benefit of the doubt? Was I wrong in saying exactly what I felt at that moment? Was he a casualty of my bruised ego?

Well, I did apologize and wished him and his family well. I want to be a bitch but I don’t want to be a heartless bitch. I also told him that he had a legitimate reason for not showing up so he shouldn’t be scared of losing his job, right? In the meantime, I need a drink. 


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