2am panic

alas-dos na ng umaga. wala pa rin akong maisip na ipi-pitch at deadline na mamaya. gusto ko naman talaga mag-pitch eh kaso i've been so damn depressed these past few days (weeks, years...). i feel like i'm swimming in this sea of negativity. daming kuwento actually pero hindi lang talaga for public consumption. gusto ko nga i-post ito sa facebook kaso nahihiya ako. i've long stopped posting personal things on facebook where most of my acquaintances are. yes, acquaintances even the closest friends are now just acquaintances because they have ceased to know what's going on with me these past few years. nagpapa-pitch pa naman ng romcom. romcom? eh anti-love nga ako eh. anti-hugot lines and i hated that thing called shitty movie because i think, i think romance is opium for the filipino masses. kapag na-in love ka nga naman sa gitna ng kahirapan para ka na ring nag-win sa wowowin. so i'm drinking now in the hopes of punching out something from my atrophied brain. nothing is coming out. may etiquette for mistresses ang isang production company maybe i could think of a story line na comedy pero mistress ang bida? may idea na ako tungkol sa isang barista pero ugh i want to turn the genre upside down. kung nagre-reklamo ako sa mga pelikula hindi ba dapat mag-isip isip ako ng something na para sa akin ay worthwhile? ive asked myself: what do i talk about when i talk about love? no, that's not a birdman reference, that's a raymond carver reference, excusssse me. what do i know about love? i have two massively failed relationships that shook me to the core. and since one was four years long and the other almost three i think you could already consider it marriages no? so i'm a divorcee. at sabi pa naman ni lola nora ephron "the most important thing about me, for quite a long chunk of my life, was that i was divorced." well, to be honest, i liked her essay on nyc apartments more. and i guess i don't know anything about love. but, and this is a big but, i've learned about psychological maladies in the process.

so now it's 2.25 on my clock i dont have anything except that i've seen lea salonga sing reflections on youtube. just when will my goddamn reflection show who i am inside? but then i don't even know what's inside me these days. i definitely don't know.  


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