Showing posts from 2015

ang relationships parang robot unicorn attack

if this isn't the very definition of a difficult relationship then I don't know what is. haha.

Da Horror... Da Horror!

If there is a holiday that I actually like celebrating its Halloween. Things always get interesting on Halloween night though sometimes not in a good way. Maybe I should organize a party with a theme “Multo ng Kahapon” and everybody can come in wearing hideous old fads that they secretly love (like shoulder pads and short shorts in my case). I already have a band picked. How about Me First and the Gimme Gimmes all night?
Speaking of Halloween, my Halloween last year was extremely horrible. I was invited to go to three parties and on top of that I was supposed to get high with a tolerable guy at midnight. Exciting right?The plan was go to his place, get sufficiently high, go through all three events half-conscious and then end the night with a good fuck. The problem was our bruha of a boss didn’t give our salary that week and I ended up not only cancelling all three lakads but I was also too broke to take a cab home. I only had an MRT card with me and the problem was I always get the…

One way or another we are all being held hostage

For some strange reason I seem to be obsessed with the recent hostage-taking in Manila. If the US has teens going to schools with guns, we have this: Desperate men doing desperate means. In both instances (and I maybe painting the scenario rather broadly) the perpetuators exact violence on the victims because of certain personal grievances. Unlike however in the US when, most of the time, the parents are baffled at their children’s violent actions, our perpetuators almost always seek communication with the family at the last minute --- with the mother mostly as if to say “’Nay, I did this only for the sake of the family.” I don’t know if this is because the socially marginalized has always had an underdog mentality or to them sacrifice and violence are wholly justified when contexualized within the needs of a dying family. I don’t know also if this is a result of a poor mental care system (which is non-existent) and I’ve always thought that we are a nation perpetually struggling wi…

AHA Moment of the day

Should’ve realized this a long time ago. The moment I am done with sex is the moment I’ll consider having another go at a relationship. Desire has always been the driving force in all my romantic engagements. And I am talking about desire here in broad terms --- sexual desire, desire to conquer, desire to belong, and desire to be desired as well. Shockingly I didn’t see myself as a loose cannon but I really was. I guess what I am saying is the last couple of decades weren’t the right time for me to be in a relationship. If I really did want to be in one, I should’ve taken sex and desire out of the equation and sat down instead with someone that I enjoy having coffee with mornings after mornings. But then I also think I am done with looking at relationships in a very heteronormative way. Wait, am I using the term correctly? ODK, this merits the hashtag: #sexytanders. Charot.

Like cattles in a farm

Overwhelmed by the sheer number of commuters the guards at the MRT resort to the most primitive of solution, herding. We were herded like sheep and cattle through a line that snaked across the station. Still we ended up inside an overcrowded cabin, hot as an oven, with our faces scrunched up to the wall and with our breath fogging up the filthy windows. Maybe we should ask the mathematicians at NASA instead to provide us a solution. Perhaps the answer could be found by estimating the maximum number of commuters and relating it to the frequency of arrival and departure of the train. Sometimes the train lingers too long at the North Station like a jeepney waiting for its seats to be filled. From the get-go, the train is already crowded, making the passengers at the other stations beg for a little bit of space. But then, what do I know. I live in a country where everybody has an answer but no one can seem to solve the problem. 

Where do broken hearts go?

Alam mo ‘yung gabing-gabi na bigla na lang tatawag sa’yo ‘yung kaibigan mo, umiiyak dahil nag-away sila ng boyfriend niya o kaya nag-hiwalay o kaya naman may nalaman siyang hindi maganda o kung ano man. Pipikapin mo siya somewhere in the city at pagbungad niya kaagad sa’yo mura o iyak o kung ano mang witty o masasakit na salita na naisip niya habang naghihintay na pikapin mo siya. Pupunta kayo sa bar, mag-iinuman ng walang katapusan tapos ang pulutan ninyo ang boyfriend niya. O kaya ang putang-inang relasyon nila.
Sa first hour masaya, exciting pa ang kuwento. May mura. May iyak. May blow by blow account kung bakit siya naririto ngayon umiinom kasama ka. By the second hour, wala pa rin siyang tigil na parang tren. Magko-quote ka ngayon ng mga kung sino-sino from William Burroughs to, sige na nga, F. Scott Fitzgerald (na matindi rin ang sinapit kay Zelda) para lang magkaroon ng gravitas ang usapan. By the fourth hour, nagiging philosophical ka na. Do we really need love at all? Wasn’t …

Dear Kuya Freud, let's talk about sex dreams puwede?

Sometimes celebrities show up in my dream. Piolo had made an appearance twice. I once dreamed of Diether Ocampo and Alma Moreno (and her cavernous vagina). Last night it was Enrique Gil. We were having sex and we were sort of in love (ang ganda ng panaginip, right? Who says walang forever?). It was quick and rough but my mother kept knocking on the door, which pissed me off. Then Enrique took out some meth and it was at that point that I knew the relationship was over. Suddenly I was crashing and when I looked at the far side of the bed my dead dog Chichi was there, luminous in this preternatural blue glow, looking sad and disappointed. And then I woke up. End dream sequence.

Magazine ka ba? Ang dami mong issues eh!

I was supposed to meet someone in Cubao early this morning. For work, okay, just to be clear. I did all my chores early: walked the dogs, fed the dogs, cleaned up after the dogs, etc. I sent a text message before I got into the shower but when it was time to go and I haven’t received a reply I went ahead anyway. It was raining. It’s Monday. The traffic was extra terrible. I took a cab even if I am already super broke. When I got to the meeting place, the guy was nowhere to be found. I sent text messages and called him countless of times but his phone, apparently, was turned off. Panay out of coverage area. Puta. Let me reiterate. It’s morning. On a Monday. It’s raining. And the people around me are beginning to look like shooting targets. I was this close to going ballistic. I wanted to hit someone with my umbrella. Possibly in the hopes of murdering him. Apparently, I was going to be stood up again. Yes, again.
Over the weekend, I was supposed to meet a guy for fun. I have to note t…


Pipila ka sa MRT. Pipila ka sa FX. Pipila sa canteen. Pipila ka sa Bayantel. Pipila sa bangko. I always feel like I’m perpetually auditioning for something. I am always waiting for my turn to --- what? --- shine? And all this waiting is making me wonder, ano ba talaga ang pinipilahaan ko? In the grand scheme of things, what I am waiting for? For my life to start? Eh it has begun to end na nga eh!

Si Nietzche, ang mga seremonya and That Dragon, Cancer game

Here’s a real mad man I-think-I’m-going-crazy idea. I think in the future a software will be developed for us to be able to empathize with each other more intensely (or maybe meron na nito). Parang Strange Days ni Bigelow but not as sinister. Take for example this “That Dragon, Cancer” game. I’m still not sure how it works but it tells the story of a father taking care of his little son who is battling cancer. Sa concept palang alam mo nang empathic ang mararamdaman ng manlalaro as opposed to the games where you mindlessly shoot down people or zombies. And I’m wondering how one can turn this concept into a TV show. The closest is the one I saw posted by Buzzfeed, the one where a newly married couple were made to look older. Ang ganda ng concept kasi they were given an idea that’s beyond their current reality. Naging eye-opener ‘yung experiment. Sana lang may show na ang benta ay “The Human Experience.” That lets us see beyond of what we know now. Hindi ‘yung Tyra Banks social exper…

Outside looking in

Maybe Disgust was on board that day. Well, on most days it’s Anger and then Disgust or Sadness but rarely Joy. Yeah, maybe Disgust was on that afternoon because I sat in the theatre watching Inside Out and not exactly paying much attention. I just wanted to sit inside a cold space, watch bright colours, eat my popcorn and drink soda. Alone. And no, I wasn’t high if that’s what you are thinking. I decided to watch Inside Out because Bing Bong kept popping in my FB feed. Who the fuck is Bing Bong? Maybe I wasn’t into it because Joy was the one telling the story and I hated her from the get-go. Or maybe because I read somewhere that if the kid lived in some Third World country the story will be a hell lot different. Oo naman. Or maybe I kept thinking of Studio Ghibli movies and how co-director Ronnie del Carmen used to rave about Spirited Away. In fact, there is a shot in the movie that was a direct homage to Totoro. Remember the sleeping clown? I loved Totoro because I thought it was pu…

First time

Robert said: When I was just a kid, there was a girl that I used to hang out with, our neighbour’s daughter, Denden. She was a steady fixture in our house having been entrusted by her own yaya to us every time she went out to get something at the market. I was too young to be self-conscious around girls. I was seven and Den-den a year younger. But I always thought that she had more courage, wilder than I could ever be at that time. We had just seen Superman III on Betamax and were playing in the bedroom alone. I don’t remember where my yaya was but I do remember the static on the TV, the hissing noise it makes when nothing is coming out of it.  She had put a deflated salbabida on her shoulders, acting like the sassy villainess in the movie. I had tied a blanket on my neck as a cape. I was asking her about something when she turned to me with these wild eyes. “Do you want to know my secret?” she asked me. “What?” I said. She told me that her secret is hidden beneath her clothes and thi…

Paalam Chichi

Chichi 2010 - 2015

“In the course of the experiment, that chimp had a baby. Imagine how her trainers must have thrilled when the mother, without prompting, began to sign to her newborn.
Baby, drink milk.
Baby, play ball.
And when the baby died, the mother stood over the body, her wrinkled hands moving with animal grace, forming again and again the words: Baby, come hug, Baby, come hug, fluent now in the language of grief.” 
- Amy Hempel, In the Cemetery Where Al Johnson is Buried

But Chichi, I’m still not fluent in the language of grief. And I miss you. And we all feel so alone without you. 

On Becoming

“I remember: becoming.”
That’s how writer Thomas Glave puts it in his book “Words to Our Now” when he revisited the time when he was still a young black gay man. He was then slowly realizing that his gender, sexuality and race could basically serve as invitations to danger, exclusions, and cruelty.
Not evolving. Not learning. But becoming. As if he is slowly being shaped by what he sees, by what he experiences in his world.
“... as in those lonely discovering days I sought so many beyond the infuriating sheen of cold blue eyes that were so sure they had the power to make me disappear they even had me convinced. Vanish, that coldness said, “Vanish” – and I did, partly unmindful of injustice; always preferring life among the invisible, particularly if they’re my own. I remember: becoming.”
The word struck me hard because I remember becoming, too. When I was younger and didn’t know well, I didn’t just yield to what my surroundings were instructing me to do. I became what…


I've got three heavy bags and one large plastic container. That's where all my books are stored until I find an apartment tomorrow morning. Yes, we're moving once again. After spending three Christmases and three New Year's Eves we're, well, not exactly moving up, but moving on. I can't say that I am not excited about moving to another apartment. I just have too much bad memories in this one. What's amazing though is how much stuff we have accumulated after three years. I remember moving to this apartment with a bag of clothes and a few things stuffed inside my mother's van. Now, it would probably take us a truck before we could finally haul everything out. I'm not sure if it's a literal metaphor of how my boyfriend and I had grown through the years but something tells me it's a positive thing. Well, positive in a metaphorical sense but certainly not literally as I can't seem to figure how I'll have enough energy to carry these thin…

2am panic

alas-dos na ng umaga. wala pa rin akong maisip na ipi-pitch at deadline na mamaya. gusto ko naman talaga mag-pitch eh kaso i've been so damn depressed these past few days (weeks, years...). i feel like i'm swimming in this sea of negativity. daming kuwento actually pero hindi lang talaga for public consumption. gusto ko nga i-post ito sa facebook kaso nahihiya ako. i've long stopped posting personal things on facebook where most of my acquaintances are. yes, acquaintances even the closest friends are now just acquaintances because they have ceased to know what's going on with me these past few years. nagpapa-pitch pa naman ng romcom. romcom? eh anti-love nga ako eh. anti-hugot lines and i hated that thing called shitty movie because i think, i think romance is opium for the filipino masses. kapag na-in love ka nga naman sa gitna ng kahirapan para ka na ring nag-win sa wowowin. so i'm drinking now in the hopes of punching out something from my atrophied brain. noth…

oh god, i think i just fell in love

this is Koharu Sugawara. don't know anything else about her but i did try to google "Koharu Sugawara lesbian." the results were inconclusive. however i did see another video of hers and if she is a lesbian oh man ang ganda ng subtext ng video na ito -

One day

It’s simply the case of having too many lighters and not having enough cigarettes or is it the other way around? Lately I dreamed about travel, sex and something else. My mother’s going somewhere tomorrow and I will be left alone for a week. Not a good sign. Then there is the deadline that I am  trying to beat and I think I am not going to make it. But still I try to march on because what else is there to do but to march forward, right? Now I have decisions to make. I feel like I’m walking on a tightrope. It’s quite difficult to create the life that you want, no? To create a life that I want and not the life that is simply given. Tug and pull. There’s always a tug and pull these days. Makes for a better character I think but really hellish to live through.

Like a knotted string


These past years I have come to compare my emotions to a tangled string. I always thought --- no, I feel --- deep in my heart, there is a string that is frustratingly knotted. I, myself, find it hard to unravel and when I am involved with someone trying to tie this string with another human being seems almost impossible. The knots just keep getting messier. Bigger. Scarier. More frustratingly knotted. Painful.
Last night’s episode of Looking was just like that. Kevin tries to break it off with his boyfriend in favour of Patrick but can’t. Dom wants to know where he “sits in the pantheon” with Lynn who feels he is done with relationships having given most of himself to a former lover. In the end, Patrick walks out of a bar completely shattered. Wow, I thought, the valley of the broken hearts. Is San Francisco a valley? I especially love the shout-out to Armistead Maupin when Patrick compared Eddie to Miss Madrigal. And, yes, I guess when it comes to love --- the same as when buying an…