end of the month epiphany

I was at the mall killing time and waiting for this guy to send a reply to my text message. I was asking him if I already should go to the motel and get us a room. We’ve hooked up before and he has become a regular. In fact, I’m this close to falling in love with him and yes I have decided to tell him what I feel that same afternoon.

So there I was walking around the mall waiting and waiting and fearing that he might have fallen asleep or have forgotten about our meet-up. I was anxious and generally I felt shitty. As I walked around, I thought to myself: Is this really the life that I wanted? When I was young and so hopeful about gay love and relationships, did I ever see myself in a mall, anxious for someone and about to book a room in a motel? Although I think both of us are quite decent and there’s actual affection between the two of us, something about the whole set-up felt sleazy. And yes, it’s definitely not the life that I had envisioned for myself but it’s the life that I had always known ever since I came out and started dating guys. And the realization hit me hard, tumagos sa buto. If this isn’t the life that I want, why the fuck do I keep living it? 

Comments

ZaiZai said…
but wait, did he reply and did you end up booking a room? :)

oh well, we all have our moments. we question where we are and how we got there. no use dwelling in it as it can get depressing.

just think that there's always a chance to change. no need to meet the right person, no need for a grand timing with background music playing, it just needs a moment and you can turn it all around.

hope that made sense! it's 1 am and I drank too much coffee lol! Please kiss Hideaki for me hahaha :)
bwisit! said…
yup, i eventually booked us a room and he showed up a few minutes after. paranoid lang talaga ako nung hapon na 'yun hahaha.

but yes, major epiphanies most of the time come during these quiet, sad moments no? and yeah, theres always a chance to change. ill keep that in mind now that i'm trying to fix my life hahaha.

hey, hope life is good on your end! akala ko naman you drank too much alcohol! sige, yayakapin ko pa si hideaki for you hahaha

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