rilke says wait lang
8.30am. i fell asleep when we somewhere in timog. i remember my seatmate then was a guy who i wished was cute sana. there were a few cute men i saw on the bus who for a moment i thought would take the seat beside me. but no even they shun me at this godawful hour. must be my scowl? nang magising ako nasa cubao palang kami at babae na ang katabi ko. she's sleeping as well and something's telling me it might be you was playing on the radio. na-depressed ako. the situation could be a start of a romcom and i was sharing the moment with a girl. when i got in a cab in ortigas an hour later my favorite jonalyn viray song came on the radio. naalala ko tuloy si dennis, crying oh so cutely without any tears habang sinusunog niya ang pictures nila ni tom. what is up with today? i feel like i'm living out someone else's love life.
but that's good right? at least im not the one personally pining.
11am. bill murray says that you have to live the moment. Be alive and learn to be always present so you could enjoy life. but i say maybe sometimes it's okay not to. it’s okay to just waste a few seconds, minutes, hours, days perhaps? i mean, it's difficult to be always in the moment. that's hard. but sometimes i try. i pour coffee and watch the thick black liquid swirl inside my small cup. i watch as tiny black bubbles form in the middle while steam rises. i look at the metal cup, at the wooden table and wonder wow am i living the moment? no, i'm just staring into my cup.
1.30pm. “I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. “ - rainer maria rilke
Yeah, to me this makes total sense. I get it Rainer. Thank you.