Tuesday, December 31, 2013

In the year 2013, I learned that...



When in the eye of the storm, be still. Even if it is unbearable to live try to endure. Don’t look for quick fixes because more often than not the unnecessary things we do in the middle of the storm lead us to more trouble.

Be careful of what you wish for because you might just get it (sabi nga ng Pussycat Dolls). Sometime in the previous year, I half-joked that I would prefer my personal life to go to the dogs as long as my professional life thrives. Seconds after I muttered that silly prayer, my boyfriend broke up with me. In the process, I got a writing gig at a teleserye, got involved in a concert, and had two of my concepts approved (although one has gone kaput even before it started rolling and the other is awaiting confirmation). Am I happy? I always ask myself that. The answer remains elusive.

That each one of us has a different God. Mine is silly, sarcastic and has a terrible sense of humor.

My partners do not define me. They are not the be all and end all of things. I used to be like Gretchen Barretto pagdating sa pag-ibig. Bigay na bigay or as one of my favourite movie lines from Pollock mouthed by the great Marcia Gay Harden “I give and I give and I give...” I was running the other day when I suddenly remember the time when I thought my life would start after I have found the One. What. A. Silly. Idea.

Staying away from relationships is good but whoring around while single isn’t. It is counter-productive to say that I’m fixing myself and trying to be a better person but during downtime hooks up with almost everyone.

Fucking around doesn’t mean you get to avoid being hurt. I still get hurt and the guys I hook up with also get hurt one way or another. We can’t teach our hearts to shut up. It has its own rhythm.

Friendship is a very important component in our life. A few months ago, I basically ignored most of my friends because I was busy with work and with hook-ups and prior to that I was busy managing an unwieldy relationship. Then one of my best buddies suddenly ignored me and basically left me with no one. I got terribly hurt but it also reminded me that I still have my other friends. I just have not been kind to them. So I reconnected and treated each one of them like a lover.

That when it boils down to two choices: kangkang o kaibigan, choose kaibigan.

That I need to take care of my body and that giving up each of my vices doesn’t mean I am less exciting. I’ve been going to the gym almost every day since the last quarter and I have never been fitter in my entire life. 

That my dogs are my everything but they shouldn’t prevent me from getting a life.

That things will only get better if I do something about it. But just because I’ve had an epiphany it doesn’t mean that everything will suddenly turn around. Patience, hard work and perseverance are needed.

That I can live alone pala! Yes the apartment is always a mess but I can go home day in and day out without fear of ghosts or loneliness. And yes, it’s always good to have a “me time” even if it just means parking my ass in a cafe with a good book and a pack of cigarettes.

That life in 2013 was fun, exciting, sad, disappointing, dangerous, manic and scary but in 2013 I learned to be okay with living alone, have started taking baby steps in taking care of myself, and have again started dreaming of a better life, not out of anger, pity or even for vengeance. I’ve started dreaming because what else is there to do but to dream. After all, if we stopped dreaming wouldn’t life be a lot like sleeping?


In 2013 i also learned that wearing a coat can be fun!






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quezon city, Philippines

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