I sit in front of my laptop and look at the work that I have to do. They seem easy enough. Well, they are easy. But there is a voice inside my head that keeps telling me that I will produce nothing but crap. Maybe if I shoot up enough Red Bull into my veins and watch Dr. Phil on Youtube till I OD maybe, just maybe I’ll accomplish something. Maybe that’s why I keep a gin handy by my side. I previously thought that it was my antidote to the drudgery of my everyday life but now I know that the alcohol is there to make me a little fearless, to let me stop doubting myself even for a few minutes so I could just go on with it. The funny thing is I’m not even writing some big literary paper or a screenplay that will change Philippine cinema forever. The fact that I only have to write a few sentences and produce something that will only serve as a distraction from all the advertisements on TV is immaterial. And it’s not as if I have something to prove because to begin with I have accepted that as far as my writing goes this is as good I as get. But still, I can’t seem to go any further than sitting in front of my laptop and staring at the screen.

In the meantime, I plant and collect weed on Adult Swim, look at pictures of naked men streaming on Tumblr and think about opening another bottle. Good thing I’m downloading Oprah’s 20th anniversary DVD because my god do I need her now.


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