Jump

“What is a man but a piece of meat that grieves too much,” sabi ni Lourd de Veyra sa tula niyang “Seaon of One Thousand Suicides.” I’ve always been fascinated by suicides especially the ones done publicly. Ano nga ba ang naisip nung isang babae noong tumalon siya mula sa MRT ilang taon na ang nakakalipas? Nabasa ko sa isang blog tungkol sa mga metro crimes nitong taon lang, isang nursing student ang tumalon naman mula sa 5th floor ng isang mall sa probinsya. Uso na pala ang suicides sa mall these days. Pero mas uso yata ang pagtalon ng mga kalalakihan mula sa mga gigantic billboards sa EDSA. “They clamber up one thousand billboards of Sharon cuneta/ peddler of one thousand cellular phones with a single fat smile --- shadows/ of their razor-thin arms and legs prickling her plump pink cheeks,” sabi nga sa opening line ng tula ni de Veyra, his line loaded with socio-political meaning. I’ve always thought that suicide should be done privately and the abovementioned acts makes me wonder if the desperate people who took their lives in public places had felt too invisible, too neglected that they had to express their despair in a place where a crowd would gather.

Or maybe they thought jumping from a building would be less painful than slitting their wrist? Sabi nga ni de Veyra, “Maybe at the top the wind has the gentleness of daggers”? O kung fan ka man ni Ai-Ai siguro ang sasabihin mo bago tumalon ay “This is it. Let’s do this.” Wala na ngang bawian kapag nakalundag ka na.

Recently, the boyfriend and I were at a bookstore. Tinitingnan ko yung isang libro, ina-admire lang yung cover nang makita ako ni boyfriend. I’ve read that book, sabi niya. Nakakatulong daw sa mga teenagers na suicidal. Suddenly I asked myself if I was ever suicidal. Yes, there have been moments where committing suicide has crossed my mind but I realized I neither have the courage or enough misery to pursue it. In short, I’m simply not that miserable or hopeless. Besides, I’ve always believed that suicide is a selfish act. Wala pa akong pang-bayad ng kabaong ko. Ayoko kong pati pagpapalibing sa akin iaasa ko pa sa nanay ko. Siya na nga ang nagbayad ng ospital noong ipinanganak ko dib a? So I just told the boyfriend that I don’t think I was ever suicidal although upon closer inspection I may be --- tan-tan-tan ---homicidal.

Now, as David Cronenberg once said in an interview, that’s the difference between an optimist and a pessimist.

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