Showing posts from December, 2011

sometime last april

Yesterday was an absolute nightmare. Feeling ko na-Drag Me to Hell ako. After breaking up with my boyfriend, my laptop bogged down. Sumabay yata sa page-end ng aking relationship, kumukuha ng sariling moment. Punyeta. So I spent most of my day looking for a repair shop in Cubao and Greenhills and when I realized that my efforts were for naught, I decided to drink myself to death. Well, not exactly to death. I just needed to fast forward the day. I want to be blissfully asleep. I want to forget that I was, well, still breathing. If my life was an opera then this is the part where I sing my aria!

But then my phone rang. It was my boss. She needed the script I promised her earlier. Pronto. Owkay gow! So I went down to the internet shop (kasi nga sira ang netbook ko), did the script and went back to being a drunken drama queen.

Pero hindi rin ako naka-tulog kaagad so when 4:30 am arrived, I decided to take my depression to the empty streets and jog. I jogged away my resentment and the vod…

mababangong panaginip


Two dogs were in flames. They were running around, screaming in pain. I was with my brother and in my hand was a pale of water. I was trying to put out the fire but the dogs kept moving. Later on, when the fire had been put out, I tried wrapping cloth on one of the dog’s burned skin. When I looked up, I saw that the dog was missing a jaw. His muzzle had been sliced off. He looked at me with his flesh exposed, fresh and pulsating.

Then I woke up.


A cat has been possessed by the devil. He jumps from one end of the room to another. At one point, the cat turned into an infant. I took out a samurai and immediately cut both of his arms.


A small elephant hurls itself at me. She snaps at my neck but instead of hurting me I am reduced to giggling. Apparently it is a female elephant and she is procuring me for her baby.


I woke up in the rear seat of a moving car. The interior lights were on but the highway outside was pitch dark. I asked the driver where we were heading. She said she wa…

sabi ng emoterang beki

After accomplishing one of my four deadlines for the night, I decided to sit in front of the TV and watch the last few minutes of “Eat, Pray, Love,” a movie I detested even before I have seen it. But there I was, trying to search for clues on how I can heal myself in the four corners of the screen. Heal. Yes, heal. We do get wounded by failed relationships no? That came to me pretty late in life. I wish I had my first major heartbreak when I was a teenager. If I could just sweep away the memory of my previous relationship I would. The break-up shook me to the core. And I’m still smarting from it.

I realized that I no longer crave for pleasure. I no longer seek mind-blowing experiences, sensations that paralyze us for a few seconds, pleasures that give us hints of a heavenly after-life. Instead I seek peace. I want to be able to sit in an empty room and not feel the gnawing pain.

-Sometime in the last several months. Ngayon keri-keri na.


“What is a man but a piece of meat that grieves too much,” sabi ni Lourd de Veyra sa tula niyang “Seaon of One Thousand Suicides.” I’ve always been fascinated by suicides especially the ones done publicly. Ano nga ba ang naisip nung isang babae noong tumalon siya mula sa MRT ilang taon na ang nakakalipas? Nabasa ko sa isang blog tungkol sa mga metro crimes nitong taon lang, isang nursing student ang tumalon naman mula sa 5th floor ng isang mall sa probinsya. Uso na pala ang suicides sa mall these days. Pero mas uso yata ang pagtalon ng mga kalalakihan mula sa mga gigantic billboards sa EDSA. “They clamber up one thousand billboards of Sharon cuneta/ peddler of one thousand cellular phones with a single fat smile --- shadows/ of their razor-thin arms and legs prickling her plump pink cheeks,” sabi nga sa opening line ng tula ni de Veyra, his line loaded with socio-political meaning. I’ve always thought that suicide should be done privately and the abovementioned acts makes me wonder i…

tumbling sa tumblr


Will you please, please teach me how to doggie?

I tune in to Nat Geo and there’s Cesar Milan. I tune in to HBO and they are showing Haichiko. And oh by the way I just finished reading Marley and Me. Naturally I’m thinking that God wants me to have another dog. But I already have two and I have a small apartment and most of the time the apartment smells like Bio Research.

At night, when I take down the mattress and the blanket, the first to climb into the bed are my two dogs. When the boyfriend sleeps over, Chichi snuggles between us and curl up. Last night, I found myself sleeping on the floor because she has effectively pushed me out of the bed. Chichi’s a bit bipolar. She always has an anxious look on her face. When I still had a balcony, she loved spending lots of time staring at the horizon, thinking of God knows what. I hope she’s not thinking of leaving me because I would cut my arm for her. Marcel, on the other hand, is the cheerful one. He always has a hearty appetite. He would eat everything, even my cable wire. He loves w…

cold night no?

It was a cold night no? When I went down to buy breakfast at 5am, the streets were a bit foggy. I felt somewhat invigorated even though I was braving the empty streets alone. I’m not too fond of the December rain though. It reminds me of June, a time when my life was basically in shambles. In fact, everything that reminds me of my post-break-up experience immediately sends me into a funk --- the smell of cooking liver, the taste of a tepid gin, damp streets, ,warm empty afternoons, etc. It helps that I’m no longer in my old apartment. “Papatayin ka ng mga alaala,” sabi nga sa libro ni Chris Martinez. I have to admit though when I first moved in to my new apartment I thought the lack of space would drive me crazy. I remember having a quiet afternoon a few weeks ago. The afternoon sunlight flooded the entire apartment and all the light made the small space appear somewhat bigger and in many ways more cheerful. I paused for a bit and sat on the floor with the dogs. I thought it was a bea…