The heart has rooms and hallways waiting to be explored
I realized how much I love the boyfriend when I asked about the contents of his netbook. I know that it is a silly thing to do because why would I care about what he puts inside his portable computer when what I should only be caring about are the contents of his heart. But I guess when you are in love you want to know your lover completely. It's like having a new apartment and wanting to inspect every nook and cranny, flashing a light at the dimmed parts, looking for places to hide in and wondering if there are ghosts and if they are haunting still. I don't know about others but this is the way I love. I do know that the request itself is intrusive but it was a genuinely innocent request. I just wanted to know what he keeps inside his folders or if he downloads more pictures than books, videos more than music. And so he gave me a tour, opening the folders and showing me pictures, letting me read his works and in the end revealing poems that were meant for his previous lovers. Since it was past midnight and I just had a tiring day, I asked him to read them for me. "You're being a masochist," he told me but really I wasn't. I was simply curious. So one by one he read poems dedicated to men with simple names, names I wouldn't normally take interest in. The poems were, as expected, beautiful and poignant, containing sadness, longing and pain. As I listened to the boyfriend, his voice soft and undulating, wrapping his emotions around the words he once felt and grieved, I wondered if he also thought of them --- them who had helped him create these sad poems. I wondered too if I was accidentally summoning the ghosts of the past. As I listened, I realized that I was looking at the men the way he used to look at them, with veneration, with love, with lust. It is funny how as I wander inside his netbook, I have found myself walking into uncharted halls and in the process unintentionally getting a glimpse of his heart.