coffee in the afternoon, gin at midnight

I am in a cafe. The weather's a bit nice. Cool. Not sweltering. There is a possibility of rain. Well, apparently a big storm is hitting Manila in a few hours. I'm not exactly feeling well and this is after having a fabulous time with Jed last night and after having a fabulous deal at the computer shop just a few minutes ago. I don't know. Maybe I've been staying at the apartment too long. Maybe I've been paying too much attention to my emotions. But then if you find yourself suddenly crying in the shower, don't you think there is something wrong? It's such a cliche no, crying in the shower. But I think this breakdown is long overdue. Should've had it when I was 25. And yes, maybe that's what I'm currently having: a breakdown.

I watch the stream of people, looking for a familiar face. I see one and he mistakes me for my ex. I normally get mistaken for my brother. I ask him if the ex has been going to their place because I stupidly thought that the he would seek refuge at their church. Hindi pala. He invites me to attend a gay event on Sunday. Maybe that's what I ought to do. Go out and meet people. Maybe I should keep moving. That's what I did after the ex left. I started cleaning my room, started cleaning the kitchen, the bathroom, etc. But then after a few days, the entire place would just eventually rot. It has been a constant struggle keeping the apartment clean.

Out of sheer boredom, I've started videotaping myself. I realized that that there are moments when I am completely still, my hand frozen in mid-air with a cigarette burning between my fingers and my eyes dead, staring at something that's off the frame. I am fascinated and at the same time appalled. So this is what I have become: A zombie. I didn’t realize that I died sometime in the last decade.

Heavy rains have started pouring in. I've repaired inside the cafe. Strong winds snap at the glass windows. I should go to the grocery now. I should start doing my chores. But it's too early. I don't want to end up drinking gin at dinnertime. Maybe my friends were right. I should pull myself together or else I would end up more bruised than before. Anyway, the cafe has started playing a saccharine love song. I should go. My life has become so baduy. Seriously.



Anonymous said…
keep writing man, i feel myself with you dude
Karlie Bradshaw said…
why do I feel like it's a staple predicament for people like us in this time of our lives (i supposed we are of the same range). i totally dig you bro!
Anonymous said…
Touche. Why do we all feel we already died a decade ago. That's an idea for a short story right there - ala-Italo Calvino. Inspired turn of phrase by the way.
bwisit! said…
well, probably in essence we're supposed to let go our puerile selves as we near 35? hahaha! and for some people that in itself is death? hahaha!
Anonymous said…
Childhood = life, excitement, optimisim, curiosity, unbridled couplings...
Adulthood = DEATH!

Simple, logical, way of the world. But hey it's excitement that keeps us artists going. When Hemingway felt he had nada more to say he reached for his shotgun. Others? Zombieville. Picasso was curious and excited till his 'torero' 80's. But then its all easier said than dalandan. I like your writing style, meandering at times, but it has a life of its own. Like Elias Canetti.
Anonymous said…
Stop this self-indulgent angst and let me f you now.
Jacob said…
Dear Anonymous,

If I ever see you trying to sleep with my guy I can guarantee you that not only will your dick suffer a painful, and possible death, but that I will make sure you get a one-way ticket to the hospital.

There are people more than willing to do that for the right kinds of things, and guess what, I know them!

I'm glad we've reached this understanding. Also, please learn to use the word fuck because f is not a real word. Go back to grade school.

All the best,
bwisit! said…
that's my boyfriend by the way hahaha! whom im very much in love with. and yes, he's the only one allowed to fuck me hahaha!

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