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Showing posts from May, 2011

last night in hell

had a tough night. ran out of gin, cigarettes and internet load. ran out of money and ran out of excuses to not look at my pathetic self. got to the point where i was muttering expletives at no one in particular. had a brilliant idea of videotaping my breakdown. in all fairness, i love my slim bod (bwahaha)but beyond that i was in terrible pain. got to the point where i was pacing around the empty but dirty apartment. i was even bothering my (new)boyfriend who is in iligan right now for a workshop. i keep telling myself to not need anyone. to not need a babysitter. to be completely logical and to be immune to the whims of my emotions. it didn't work. i was still drowning. last thing i remember i was lying on my mat, looking at nothing in particular, while Chichi and Marcel kept biting my legs. then i blacked out.

bleach and sadness

I open the door to our room and see the cushion stripped off of its usual dirty blanket. The room is practically empty apart from the crumpled old shirt lying on the floor filthy with cum and sweat. But I refuse to clean it. I refuse to disinfect the floor, set aside the cushion and throw the blanket and the shirt into the laundry bin. I want it to be just as it was when we left it this morning. I want last night’s memory to be briefly frozen in time. It feels easier this way I guess because if I do take them away what will remain are sepulchral white walls and tiles that will only reek of bleach and sadness.

5.22.11

Meet Marcel

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Meet Marcel. He is a terrier slash Labrador slash Azkal. Yes, just like Phil Younghusband (only cuter and hairier?). The first time he came to the apartment he was with a cute, young poet. When I opened the door, I immediately noticed the cute smile on the poet’s face and I thought: Man, I’m so going to get laid tonight!

No, that was a joke.

But before I could ask him to come in he said: “Someone wants to meet you.” And I thought shet finally Piolo has received my e-mails! And then he showed me little Marcel wrapped in a white blanket. My heart, as expected, quickly did a somersault. Twice!

I have been planning on getting another dog since the X left. I noticed that Chichi was also experiencing some kind of depression. Every time I would leave for work, she would bite my ankle and bark endlessly until I was out of the apartment. Both of us, I think, were drowning. On certain nights, I would look at her and she would look at me and she would stand up and wait by the door while I would lo…