What I've learned on my way to Tralala land

Wait. Hold on a minute. I think I'm on the verge of a breakdown. I keep joking to myself that this is the right time to have a breakdown since I only have a few things to do but now that I could feel it coming I'm scared. Really scared. It's like flying a hopelessly crashing plane. It feels inevitable. I need to hold on to something. I need to focus. I need to fight this. I shouldn't take this sitting down.

I exactly know when this started. Two weeks ago, I experienced probably my most stressful week of the year. Everyday I was struggling to beat my deadlines. One morning, for example, had me securing an equipment for a film class while I was trying to book an interview for my MA subject. I was also looking for an interviewee for my magazine article and coordinating with our sp and researcher for two of the three episodes that I would write for that week. And yes, that was just my morning activities. To top it all, my Thursday had me jumping from one show to another in addition to an evening shoot in UP. Needless to say, by the time I arrived at the university I was already exhausted from all the activities that preceeded it (Tuesday lamay for the article, Wednesday early morning VTR shoot, Thursday midnight preparation for two episodes to be taped that same morning). And yes, after I was done with the UP shoot, I had to go home and type another script for Friday's taping.

But it wasn't because of my busy schedule that led me to this fucked-up state. I was actually happy that I was busy. We were making a short film! I just wrote three articles for the magazine! And I survived my messy schedule! I should've felt elated. I should've been bugging people to drink with me (because that's what I do when I'm happy. I drown all of it with beer.) Sleep should have come easily. But of course, as it is in my world, nothing comes easy. On my way to UP I noticed that I wasn't excited at all. I knew something was up because I've been looking forward to the shoot for almost a week. I already knew the shots that I would do. I had already picked a music and I thought my concept was fun. But as I sat inside the cab, idly watching red tail lights wink at me, I realized that after all the things that I've done I wouldn't be getting anything. There is no reward. No best actor trophy to receive or milyon-milyon cash to spend. I wouldn't get any close-ups. I just exhausted myself. All the hard work was for nothing. The boulder was already tumbling down the steep mountain. I knew that I had to climb down and push it up again. Albert Camus was right. At that moment, I was Sisyphus.

In the next couple of days, I kept wondering what I was expecting to receive. Standing ovation? Cheers from my peers? A great fuck? A new pair of jeans? A sense of accomplishment, perhaps? I guess, I was looking for a sense of being. Even if the UP shoot went right (and it didn't), I don't think that I would be bursting out with a Broadway tune. Apparently, I had deluded myself. I thought that by doing these things I would find myself. I would be happy. But the fact that I was still looking for... a reward or something means that I was off the target. I simply didn't get off. Hindi ako nilabasan. I wasn't happy. I was miserable. I know that these past months my attitude in life could be summed up with these words: Eh ano ngayon? You climbed Mt. Everest? So what? Eh ano ngayon? You won an Oscar for Best Foreign Film? Ano ngayon? You fucked three cute models all at the same time? So fucking what?E lahat naman tayo mamatay. But still, I should have felt something positive after my stressful week. But instead, as my days grew less busier, I found myself being exhausted emotionally. I found myself raking in resentment, anger, and frustration. It came to a point where every pin-prick felt like a stab in the heart. I alienated myself from my friends (and I've already alienated myself from most of my co-workers), I stopped making an effort to, at least, feel good about myself, I stopped blogging because I thought it was pointless and I even began to resent my boyfriend. Last night, I had to go down to the Internet shop because I couldn't bear his presence. I did try to reason out with myself. If there is no jackpot then perhaps, I thought, my reward could be found in the simplest things: a good movie, a nice afternoon chat with a friend, a quiet morning etc. But I found the idea too corny and depressing. Can't I have just a brief moment of pure bliss? A fleeting positive emotion that confirms even for a split second that there is a God? I started thinking about Job but then I also realized that I'm not exactly religious but superstitious.

I already knew that I was crumbling down so I decided to spend my day today doing nothing. For an entire day, I was online, chatting on planet romeo (needy men, sex-starved weirdos, chatters who dress up their libido with drippy romantic sentiments, hard cocks looking for true romance --- I know, I fit right in). By early evening I decided to do my deadline. Well, I didn't decide. I had no choice. I had to do it. But I knew what I have written was crap even before I emailed it to the boss. I have devolved as a writer (and to some extent, as a human being). When instructions for revisions came, I stared at my script and tried to make sense of it. I realized that I couldn't fix it. I wasn't functioning well. I couldn't even write a simple question. My mind couldn't contain words and my thoughts were like liquid quickly seeping through an open palm. Logic had already abandoned me. Nag-pack up na yata at nagbakasyon na sa Thailand. I knew I had to fix myself first before I could fix my script (I know, ang daming drama just for a simple script). That's when I decided to set my work aside and write this entry first. I needed to make sense of my world. I had to trace back my steps because I was dangerously heading towards tralala land.

Comments

E said…
This reminds of Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho. We all go through these phases. Some, like you and I, more frequently than others.
bwisit! said…
yeah, which is a bummer,right? owel, i think mine isn't just a phase. it's a, uh, habit...

btw, nice cute dogs. how many dogs do you have?

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