there's a party going on in my head and i'm not even invited

it's seven in the morning. still couldn't sleep. i already drank one-fourth of the gin that was left two nights ago but still no go. i've already re-read hagedorn's gangster of love but sleep still remains elusive. i go out to pee and i hear the narrator's voice in my head. that's what happens when i get totally engrossed with what i'm reading. the characters just jump right out of the pages and leap into my head. i go to the bathroom and i hear Hagedorn narrating what i am doing. "He ran his fingers along his boyfriend's hairy legs as he got up and pee." "the light inside the bathroom makes everything cold and melancholic." this goes on and on, feeding on itself that even if i'm lying on the bed already brain dead it still wouldn't stop. the only time i get to make it shut up is to write it on paper. confronted with the imposing white sheet, it instantly disappears. it's like having a kidney problem. you feel like you need to go only when you reach the toilet bowl piss just sits there mocking you. it's irritating. frustrating. such a pain in the groin.

maybe i'm just hungry.

i kiss the boyfriend's belly and run my teeth just above his navel, scraping some dirt off his skin in the hopes of waking him up. maybe when he gets up he'll fix me some breakfast. i never like doing domestic stuff. i hate cooking even if it's only for myself. just the thought of opening a can of tuna exhausts me. anyway, just as expected i've already kicked the narrator out of my head but i'm shit sure he'll be back once i turn off the computer. such a hassle. life is such a hassle. my mind tells me that the trick is not to think too much about it. as if that's easy. like yesterday. my head seemed more crowded than usual. it was as if there was one big despedida party going on up in my head. i stand frozen inside the train, holding on to some cold, greasy handle bar trying not to freak out. one was singing some broadway tunes while the other was trying to piece together an episode. there was also a freak who kept digging and digging, waiting and waiting for me to turn away so he could push me into the deep muddy hole for good. maybe i'm not just depressed but already schizophrenic? well, maybe. maybe i'm just tired. i get emotionally vulnerable when i'm tired. but when i lay my head down, shut my eyes tight and try to sleep my brain goes berserk. i know that the only way to get some sleep is not to think about it but as minutes pass i think about it more and more. pretentious stuff no? catch 22 and all that shit. i really do need to sleep now. lots of deadlines today but how?

Comments

Zai Zai said…
hope u were able to sleep mario! :)
bwisit! said…
hay eventually i did. kaya yun lang ang ginawa ko for two days. matulog ng matulog ahahaha!

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