Showing posts from 2009

Just shoot me

The boyfriend took the photo above. My brother’s SLR has been sitting in our room for months and I thought I should return it already. And since it still had a few shots left in it, my boyfriend and I took turns in photographing ourselves. Most of my photos were blah but his were very promising. Didn’t know he had an eye for photography. In fact, I was so in love with his photos that I think I should put him through photography school chos. I told him that if I were to die tonight or tomorrow or anytime in the next century he should use the photo for the funeral because, well, I was essentially thinking of heaven when it was taken --- A warm afternoon in downtown Morocco with hashish escaping from my dry, bitter mouth.

pretty in blue

Mula dito:

Naging ganito:

from intercontinental drama:

to intergalactic love affair:

There is this comic book, which I read in Carlo Vergara's blog about a superhero who has the ability to turn himself into any bird. Yes, any bird. Sabi nga ni Vergara sa kanyang entry, anong gagawin niya sa power na ito kung ang kalaban niya ay may mga megarobots from hell, turn into maya maya perhaps? But his superpower came in handy when a certain species of dinasaur in a far-flung planet were about to go extinct. The plan was for him to mate with one of the dinasaurs and hopefully inject his morphing abilities into their DNA strain. So off he went to this planet in search of a mate. Eventually he found one but the female dinosaur didn't want anything to do with him since she already has a partner to begin with. What this stupid superhero did was to fight off the boyfriend and then force himself into the female dinosaur. Yes, it's all about murder and rape. It was quite fun and believe me, …

for you i was a flame

With her hair wet from the shower, she steps into her kitchen and sits before the dinning table. It's already five in the afternoon and the room is covered in shadows. She collects her hair and ties them in a bun. She could still feel the summer heat coming in and wondered if the night would be as hot as yesterday. She takes out a stick from her pack and puts it on her lips. She reaches for her lighter and flicks it. A small flame illuminates her face as she bends down to light her cigarette. She could hear the tight little leaves burn as she took her first sip. From the living room she now hears the record she has put on earlier. The drum sticks fall briskly and suddenly a beat arises. The guitar was barely introduced when the singer, her life evident in her coarse, lovelorn voice, began singing.

"For you I was a flame... love is a losing game..."

She stares into the deepening darkness and immediately gets lost in her own groove.

The music continues, traveling across the…


at around 12 midnight i received a text message that our meeting would be moved to thursday, which was great. i wasn't going to do any thinking tonight anyway. i never was a bibo kid. i always do my work just as my bosses are asking for it. i took the message as a cue to have a cup of coffee while i finish the rest of the book im currently reading. lately ive been feeling extra volatile. i know, i always write in every entry that i'm in the grips of a major emotional breakdown but believe me there are days when i'm happy and every bit satisfied with my life. those are the days when i dont write anything because then i wouldn't have anything interesting to write about --- not that i find misery more fascinating than happiness but when the weather is generally clear i always opt to spend it outside than to stay home and think about how pitiful life is. i guess i'm down mostly because it's november and i always go crazy during my birthday month. the days leading …

In Greenbelt 5 where I started to wonder

i wonder if the Jimmy Choo-clad
patrons of Greenbelt 5
ever thought of starving
kids or

Social injustices that leave
families with burning
hunger and desire

I wonder if they ever wonder
what happens in the
countryside where

farmers toil the land
day in and day out
digging the earth
for food that's never
ever enough

and how about the
kids of Kalimugtong
who trek violent lands
with slippers as thin as
their soles are thick

but i do think they think
about these things from time
to time when the news is
on and when today's paper
is splayed before them

but such thoughts are
too horrible to contemplate
too painful to contain

not when they are entering
the sparkling glass doors
of Greenbelt 5 or dining

in an antiseptic environment
where such thoughts poison
the chilly air

better to shoo them away with
a slight hand as one would do
to an unexpected fruit fly
begging to take a piece
of a delicious tiramisu.

Wala lang. Reaction ko lang after re-reading Emmanuel S. Torres' "Another Invitation to the P…

el fili

"The glory of saving a country cannot be given to one who has contributed to its ruin."

- stated by Father Florentino in Jose Rizal's El Filibusterismo

galing dito ang litrato:

batman was in my building

i was coming down the building when i saw a kid wearing a batman costume climbing up our fire exit. pero hindi, hindi naman siya na-late sa trick or treating. in fact, the curious thing about it is that he seems to have been wearing the costume since sunday (it's thursday already). i thought it was odd. and cute. imagine, araw araw siyang naka-batman costume. lupet di ba? naisip ko tuloy kung magkaka-anak ako siguro magiging kunsintidor din ako sa mga hilig ng anak ko no matter how odd it is. "You want to go to school wearing a nun's outfit? kahit lalaki ka? sure! go ahead!" "what? you like burning down houses because huge flames make you feel warm and fuzzy? no problem, here's a lighter." that or i'll be forever reminding him what a big loser his father is. loser --- no, i mean, father. man, that's a scary word. that's like next to STD and dementia in my list of things to be scared about. (but why on earth will you be scared of being a fath…

the world is our playground and we will always be home

8:22am. just came from my mother's house. haven't gotten any sleep because falling asleep is one of the things that i find difficult to do ever since i was a kid. the other one is peeing. i lay on the bed listening to up dharma. it's the same song that i keep playing over and over again back when we were still in the old apartment. the same song that i listened to when i first fell in love with the boyfriend. i look up and there he is looming above me, framed by the white ceiling. i tell myself that if he stoops down to kiss me i'm going to get a book and start reading. but he doesnt kiss me so i didn't move. he went to the kitchen and started cleaning up. i tell myself that if he asks me if i want coffee then i'll turn over and shift position. he doesnt say anything or perhaps the music is just too loud. i keep on dreaming. the song ends and i press play again. i look beyond the door and watch the blue sky with the white clouds. it's a beautiful day despit…

Because we like boys in cars, boys who buy us drinks in bars

There’s this impossibly cute guy --- ok, several impossibly cute guys --- in my Downelink list of friends that make me wish I’m still single. Not that they would date me but at least I’m a couple of hundred steps closer to reality if I were unattached. What is it about guys that make me wish things: wish that I was taller, smarter, cuter…

The other day while on a tricycle on my way to my mother’s house, I was thinking about sex. I was wondering why I am so obsessed with it. If I’m not doing it then I’m thinking about it (arguably, I think of it more often than I’m having it). But why does sex still seems new to me? Is this a symptom of addiction or is it because I’m doing it with several men? Is it all about conquest or is it all about jacking off? Or is it because, as Claudine (or was it Ate Vi? Have to ask MJ) once said in a movie, the men may have taken my body but no one has bothered to conquer my soul --- heart, siguro yung mas bagay na word. Ang bakla naman ng last statement na …

oh marat

i'm in love!

Say Chiz!

He's not as cute as Gibo and he talks like an android. His general expression is that of someone who has been constantly snacking on dramamin and yet as I watched Chiz Escudero on Probe Profiles a few days ago I instantly realized why Weng has a huge crush on him. The guy has sex appeal, no? He looks as if he really has the balls to lead this country out of the rut it has forever been in (which couldn't be said of Noynoy, apparently all the testosterone in his family went to Kris). But will he be a good leader?

Cue Bayang Barrios

tickle me elmo

maingay ang paligid. makulay. maraming batang nagsisiparoon at parito habang ang kanilang mga magulang ay bunubuntot buntot sa kanila na parang mga yaya. hindi ito iniinda ni clarissa. nautusan kasi siya ng kanyang supervisor na maghanap ng costume pang dracula sa kanilang stock room. pagkatapos ng ilang balik, hindi rin pala si dracula ang hinahanap ng bumibili. si frankenstein daw.

Alas-diyes pa ng umaga nanduon na si clarissa at ngayon ay ala-siete na ng gabi. ang lamig ng aircon ay halos tumagos na sa kanyang kasukasuan. masakit na rin ang kanyang paa't binti sa kakatayo at kakatakbo. paos na ang kanyang boses. pero hindi niya ito iniintindi dahil alam niyang kasama ito sa kanyang trabaho.

pabalik na siya sa stockroom nang mapadaan siya sa mga stuffed toys. hindi niya hilig ang mga ito. kahit nuong bata'y tingin na niya sa mga ito ay kasayangan lang ng pera. pero siguro dahil sa pagod, puyat at problema (nasalanta sila ng bagyo kamakailan lang) naisip niyang huminto at pa…

la divina

dreaming of maria callas, whoever she is.

though i am not a princess

when you finally left me
i realized that i am
not a princess

my hair doesn't cascade
down the tower like

i don't have lips
that taste like apple and
i don't have dainty feet
the slip

perfectly on
glass slippers
had i known that you
never liked gowns

or mirrors
that talk into the wee hours
of the night i would
have aspired to be
something else

i wouldn't mind being
one of Cinderella's
bitchy stepsisters
or have black moods that
befits a wicked witch

had i known you were
looking for something
else i would have not bothered.
because though i am not
a princess i could never
be your prince charming.

mula rito ang litrato:


Someone sent me a link that showed eerie photos of Sidney covered in red dust. The streets looked absolutely apocalyptic and it reminded me of those Martian cities in sci-fi movies. It also reminded me of a scene in The English Patient where Almasy was telling Katharine about the history of winds. The two weren't lovers then and would only start the affair after the desert scene.


The sand is piling up against the two cars, the tent is swept from its moorings, the water cans are hurled up, too, and then plunge ominously into sand drifts as if going under an ocean.


... let me tell you about winds. There is a whirlwind from Southern Morocco, the Aajej, against which the fellahin defend themselves with knives. And there is the Ghibli from Tunis which rolls and rolls and rolls and produces a rather strange nervous condition...

And we hear Katharine's laugh


Almasy sits alongside Katharine, whose head is against his shoulder. He continuou…

Lola Chanel

I was having a rotten week. Problems at work, problems with the boyfriend, problems with myself. So what's a faggot to do? Simple lang. I downloaded the movie soundtrack of Coco Before Chanel, locked myself in my room and listened to Alexandre Desplat's “Chez Chanel” while looking at the bedsheets, the drapes, the clothes in the laundry hamper and imagined that when I open that door to our balcony I would see in the horizon the lovely Eiffel Tower.

waiting for pepeng

Saturday morning. A friend was asking me out. Since I was enjoying my sleep, I kept ignoring her text messages. When I woke up, she was no longer asking me out for coffee. She was now asking me for help. She said her family was trapped in a flood. Since I've been to her place countless of times, I couldn't quite imagine how this is possible. She said the creek behind their house overflowed and the water has already reached their ceiling. I thought she was exaggerating but still my boyfriend and I tried calling every possible hotline: GMA, Sagip-Kapamilya, NDCC, and Lifeline, etc. We got through NDCC but apparently they were already swamped with calls. I was later informed that no one arrived that afternoon but fortunately my friend's family was able to swim out of the house. That night, I received a text message from her. We lost everything, she said. She's asking us if we have some clothes and blankets to spare.

Meanwhile, in another part of the metropolis, a gay frie…

I want

* An immaculately white apartment with huge windows and high ceilings
* A bookshelf filled with my favorite books and some expensive art and photography books (pretensyoso to the max!)
* A plane ticket to Vietnam and Japan
* A kindle because Oprah says it’s the best thing in the world
* A turntable and a few Ella Fitzgerald records for those Sunday senti moments
* A nice kitchen with an actual table and a stove for my boyfriend to cook in
* Comfortable upholstered chairs to sit in
* An infinite supply of brewed coffee for the lazy weekday mornings
* A bathtub where I could read and stay in for hours
* Ample of time to do the things that I love most doing in this sordid world of ours (but then contentment and free time have always had an adverse effect on me)

mula rito ang litrato:


I stayed at my mom’s house last night. I immediately re-acquainted myself to living in a place where there’s always food in the ref. There was also cable and internet connection, which I enjoyed with great abandon throughout the night. In the morning, while alternately watching Almost Famous, Juno and the Emmy Awards, I wondered why on earth I even thought of leaving this place. But then my mother asked me to take the garbage out, buy things at a nearby sari-sari store, mind the sinaing on the stove and chatted with me while the best actress in a comedy series was being announced…

kwentong wala lang

Eksena: Sa labas ng isang liblib na bahay, nakaupo ang isang matanda at isang binata nag-iinuman. Gin ang kanilang tinitira.

No matter what you do, how you do it, you'll going to have a disastrous night so I seriously suggest that even now as we speak that you kill yourself.


Things will go from bad to worse.

Murphy's Law?

No, it's much worse than that. Basta you're going to have a horrible night so I suggest that you kill yourself now.

Are you serious? You go kill yourself.

I'm afraid I'm very serious.

Sa sobrang sakit ng mararanasan ko mamaya mas maigi na lang na patayin ko ang sarili ko ngayon?

That is correct.

E kung pinatay ko ang sarili ko ngayon e di hindi na ako nakabawi. Komedyante ka talaga. Haven't you heard of the term gulong ng palad.

Don't be stupid. The wheel of fortune will never turn for you. Kaya eto ang kutsilyo. Consider this as my Christmas gift. Kung papatayin mo ang sarili mo ngayon you will save yourself a lot of pain and time. M…

the most perfect breakfast

Of course, I realized that it's not just scrambled eggs and fried rice. Even before one arrives at the table one should have had a restful sleep the night before, the kind where one wakes up with an invigorated body and a crystal clear head. However, for this to happen, the previous day should have been smooth and hassle-free. Any problems should have been resolved before the day ended and before one went to sleep. Some would probably prefer a good fuck in order to achieve the kind of deep slumber that one rarely experience these days. This, of course, entails a bit of work especially for those who are naturally unlucky when it comes to sex and love. In order to achieve the perfect breakfast where one shares the perfect meal while seated beside the perfect lover, one should have had --- years before leading to this perfect breakfast --- the ability to acquire perfectly healthy relationships. If, by any chance, one doesn't exactly desire to have someone to have breakfast with, …


Outside rain falls incessantly. From the door leading to our balcony, I could see the sky turn from gray to almost ash white as the weather shifts from a mild hypnotic drizzle to full-on rain. I sit inside raging. I've been angry for several days now. Angry and kind of sad. No reason whatsoever. I just do. Tiny inconveniences trigger a set of ugly violent thoughts. I try to keep positive but in my experience that has never helped me. I light a cigarette and think of things to do. Kahit ano wag lang trabaho. I'm in no mood to work right now. So I turn on my notebook and search for something to read. Then I remember a novel I downloaded a few months ago. You know how sometimes you have to be in a certain frame of mind to appreciate things like watching porn or a truly dark Ingmar Bergman film (not that I understand him because I certainly don't). Like how you have to be a little hot and bothered to truly appreciate a good blow job scene or a gang bang sequence or how you hav…

Are you out of your Vulcan mind?!!!

There are some things to do (scripts, an article and a few other errands) but it's a slow Thursday so I'm in a cafe trying to enjoy the warm coffee and some music in my notebook. I'm listening to Metro Station while thinking of that cute guy I saw on the bus earlier today. It was such a nice coincedence. I was listening to Lady Gaga's Summer Boy when I saw him hail my bus, his nice black, slightly unruly hair bouncing off his shoulder. Wouldn't it be great if he became my Summer Boy? ("Ku-ku-crazy, get your ass in my bed," sabi nga naman ng Gaga.). I'm also thinking of Spock. I saw Star Trek on DVD yesterday and I thought it was pretty good (or was it because I found the crew of Enterprise unbelievably sexy). Despite James Tiberius Kirk's impossibly beautiful blue eyes, my gaze was fixed on the brooding Spock. Is it the tight uniform, the bangs, the shaved eyebrows or the pointy ears that make him so desirable? Basta all I know is I want to have a…

Rub-a-dub-dub... 8 bitches in a tub

Title: Francois Ozon's 8 Women
Plot: A rich old guy is dead, leaving all the women in his life bickering.
Scene: Louise, the maid, accuses the dead man's sister, Pierrette, of killing his brother.


Louise: Everyone knows you sleep around...

Pierrette: You should know since we sleep with the same ones.

Louise: Let me explain the bribe. I overheard you say to Monsieur: "Give me the money or you'll die."

Pierrette: No, I said: "Give me the money or I'll die."

Louise: No "You'll die."

Pierrette: My poor Louise. Your words are no good. You're just a maid.

Louise: Nor is yours. You're just a whore.

Pierrette: Which I prefer.

Pinoy remake anyone?

what's up, doc?

My boyfriend and I were having lunch when a rabbit hopped into our tiny apartment. His inquisitive eyes scanned the room from one end to another while his little, pinkish ears pointed upwards. "What's up doc?" my boyfriend asked him. He just ignored us and proceeded to hop further into the room. I guess he wasn't a Looney Tunes fan. Silly wabbit. He was so cute though that I wanted to keep him. Just a few months ago someone told me about her pet bunny. At that time, I couldn't imagine rabbits as pets. From what I remember, they have nasty teeth and that they could really bite. When we were kids, my brother and I had a hamster named Speedy. I was playing with him one time when he bit my finger, taking out a small piece of my skin and drawing blood. Since then I've learned that not all cute things are necessarily harmless. In fact in the gay galaxy, the cuter the guy, the more dangerous he probably is. Speedy didn't stay with us for long though. We woke up …

back when i was still living in bataan

Back when I was still in high school in Bataan, a teacher assigned to us a project. She asked us to stuff any animal using formalin. I went with a pair of birds. Since I'm too squeamish to actually kill anything (with the exception of bugs and insects, which I love to set on fire), I asked a friend to do the task for me. My brother, on the other hand, decided he'd do a cat. Stupid, I know. He gathered up his macho friends and searched the neighborhood for stray cats to murder. They went around the abandoned dorms and staff houses with nothing on them but a few rice sacks. It was only after a few attempts that they realized that cats are actually quite difficult to apprehend. Cats, after all, are very agile. But that didn't stopped my brother and his friends from accomplishing the task they have set out to do. I'm not so sure now how they were able to bag a cat but eventually they did. The cat scratched and gnawed from inside the bag and refused to shut up, letting out …

One tough Cookie

We recently had Cookie Chua on the show. We sort of had a women in rock episode and though at first I wasn't exactly confident with the concept (I don't think our rather prim and proper core audience would appreciate rock at all) I was glad that I went along with it. Of our three guests (Cookie, Lougee and Julia), it was Cookie who arrived in the studio first. I saw her at the hall sitting on a bench outside the studio smoking. She was wearing black as usual with her hair flowing carelessly on her shoulders. Between her fingers was a stick of, well, I think it was Marlboro red. I went up to her, introduced myself and proceeded to brief her on what will happen on the show. When I told her that there will be a segment where she had to model some clothes, she instantly balked at the idea. It was not that she was being a diva. She just seemed genuinely bothered that she had to walk and do some poses. She was actually terrified. "Hindi ako marunong maglakad," was what I t…

are we worth dying for?

Ninoy said that the Filipinos are worth dying for. Cory, up to her last moments here on Earth, showed that Filipinos are worth living for. Her term may not be as perfect as we had hoped to be but it’s quite obvious now that we would look at those times not with regret but with a bit of pride.

I have to be honest though. When I first heard that the former President had died, I wasn’t affected a bit. In my mind, I immediately started singing "Tie A Yellow Ribbon on (that damn) Old Oak Tree." The thing is I’m not politically savvy or smart enough to understand the real essence of her passing. I always view history through the prism of silliness, something that I could understand very well. During the Senate hearing on the Velarde case, for example, I watched only in anticipation of comedy with Senator Mirriam, of course, in the lead. When President Arroyo finally announced that she was going to run for presidency in Baguio a few years ago, I likened her to a hobbit, a hobbit wh…

isang umagang kasing itim ng kanyang kape

the height of coolness ang dating ni RA nang pumasok siya sa isang tagong rock joint sa may quezon city. head, freshly shaved, bushy goetee crawling from the chin down to the thin, white neck. his sad eyes made even more melancholic with a blacker than black eyeliner. white naman ang kanyang T-shirt na may mukha ni WS Burroughs sa gitna at ang kanyang pantalon, isang hapit na faded black pants na pakitid na pakitid pababa hanggang masakal na ang kanyang ankles na binabalutan ng isang mean black boots. dumiretso siya sa may bar at inoccupy ang isang seat sabay senyas sa bartender na matagal na siyang dinidigahan.

"gin tonic, as usual."

"napaaga ka ata ah."

tumingin siya sa kanyan relo. 1am. Maaga nga. Oh well, nag-smile na lang siya. The early bird catches no... what? Bird?

Katatapos lang niyang magbasa ng isang Haruki Murakami novel at excited na excited pa siyang makwento ang istorya pero, sa isip-isip niya, kanino ikukwento? Tulad ng dati, baon-baon pa rin niya ang…