I am staring at my own picture. I know I'm such a narcissist. Ok, I admit, I think that I'm kind of cute (and those who disagree with me will just have to live with it , ok.). I just gained a few pounds and the past few days have been total bliss. I ate whole-heartedly, I drank, I shopped, and yes, I actually laughed. After an entire year of being broke, bruised, and demented, I finally was able to breathe. I went to see long-lost relatives and met with my old friends. When Kris (my pamangkin who is a few years older than me) invited me to go out, I didn't think twice. We haven't seen each other in 10 years. She is as beautiful as ever and she kept asking me if it was her fault that I turned out gay. I remember her being a fussy but fashionable little girl so of course she was a role model. "Come visit us one time so your apos could meet you," she said. O god, I'm already a lolo. But what cute kids she has!
I invited Jed to go out (hoy Joy masyado kang busy!) and told her that we would get smashed that night. She talked about the movies that she saw (Fellini, Truffaut, and other noteworthy films by noteworthy filmmakers). It was actually refreshing to have a conversation that's totally unrelated to work. I wanted to do something that I haven't done before so when we were sufficiently drunk we went to Rabbits and sang our hearts out. It was my first time to sing in a videoke bar and I was pleasantly surprised that it was actually fun! Of course, the songs that I chose run more closely to reggae and a few rock ballads. It was already three in the morning and the last group was already on their way out. One guy kept apologizing for his friend's horrible singing. "He's flirting with you," said Jed. I don't think he was but I was cocky. "Of course, he was," I said, laughing.
The next day, my boyfriend and I went to Gilmore and bought a new laptop. I was so excited to use it that when we were having our lunch in Gateway, I took it out of its box and immediately went online. "I deserve this," I told the bf. "I so deserve this." Right there and then, I changed the wallpaper with a photo that my brother took in Pusan. I also downloaded all my favorites: Avenue Q songs, Amy Winehouse, Ryan Adams, and Up Dharma Down. I plan to download some more, Edith Piaf and Natalie Merchant perhaps?
I also started writing again. I have begun finishing all my unfinished stories and later tonight I plan to finally write the movie that I have in mind. Though I'm not sure if its fit for Cinemalaya or even Cinema One, I'm not caring a bit. I'm doing this for myself. After months being hounded by deadlines and being busy bread-tripping, it was divine to actually write for leisure.
I bought a few DVDs and saw La Vien Rose, Wall-e, a horrible gay movie called Holding Trevor, Juno and Indiana Jones. Vicky Cristina Barcelona and Pineapple Express are next in line. I'm thinking of going to Quiapo (if I still have a budget by the end of the week) and search for any Wong Kar Wai movie, The Wrestler, Love Me If You Dare (a french movie featuring my new favorite actress Marion Cotillard) and Mr. Lonely (one of Harmonie Korine's more recent films).
I have also begun eating without thinking of my diet. I have been gorging myself for two days. Yesterday, I had pomodoro and two pieces of cake for breakfast, burger and fries for lunch, and afritada with lots and lots of rice for dinner. Afterwards, my boyfriend, Filma and I headed out for a few drinks. I went home dizzy but with the kind of buzz that I find so comforting.
I was a hot mess last year. I nearly lost my mind. Though I still think that next year will be as hectic as the last one, I plan to go through it with my sanity firmly intact. In fact, when I woke up this morning I already had two messages informing me that we have a prod meet tomorrow morning. Someone from my group also called and inquired something about an episode that will air this January, perfectly reminding me of all the preparations that I have to do before the 31st. I also have to attend a meeting of sorts with some of my friends from work to plan our projects for the upcoming year.
Of course, I still have my worries. For one, I'm not sure if I still have a show to write for come January. Money might run out before the next paycheck arrives. There's also next month's rent to think about. I might get fat and get even uglier. The economy might plunge even deeper and I might find myself out in the streets. The two new episodes that we will tape for the first week of the year might bomb big time. And I dread to think of what will happen to my sanity once the first wave of stress hits me in the face.
Good thing I'm now listening to one of my most favorite songs. "Don't stress," sings the puppets living in Avenue Q. "Relax. Let life roll off your back. Except for death and paying taxes, everything in life is only for now..." It's a happy tune spiced with a little venom and sarcasm. I love it. "Each time you smile, it will only last a while. Life maybe scary but it is only temporary. Parumparum-parumparum-parumparum... everything in life is only for now..."
Since 2008 seems already eons away and 2009 isn't on my radar yet, I think I'll just sit back and stare at my cute smiling myself and bask in its positive glow. Well, at least, for now. Parum-parum-parum-parum, indeed.