hook up

you finally meet with him. okay so he's not as attractive as his picture-perfect self. but then again, so are you. you suddenly remember how your g4m main picture was taken when the sun was about to go down and everything was bathed in its crepuscular glow. then you decided to take out your camera phone and shoot yourself. the result was spectacular: you actually look like human.

but you forgive him for somehow deceiving you. after finishing half a stick of cig, both of you decide to walk, to shake off the initial awkwardness. both of you refuse to divulge what you do. you find it ridiculous because when you asked him if he's out he said yes. based from what he is wearing you try to guess what he does for a living. so you are a... graphic artist? ... a writer? ... a folk singer? no? he is after all wearing buddha beads and tattered jeans.

as you walk farther he starts to talk about KMU and Kabataan. he asks you if you have ever been in the underground. you tell him that the university that you went to was politically inept. he starts to talk about religion and all the hoopla about life and happiness. the whole conundrum. that made you smile because he is right up your alley. you find it amusing that people you meet on the net are almost always artistic, cool and rock and roll, give and take a perv or two, of course. suddenly you find yourself trying to be smart. cute. cool. and you start to wonder if all this walking will eventually get you laid. he is so smart that you finally achieve to have a hard-on.

eventually both of you end up in bed. the sex, un-lubricated by alcohol, is as awkward as your initially conversation. it's not as what you imagined it to be and you start to wonder why you ever went online in the first place. you start to put your clothes on and invite him for drinks.

out of the sleazy motel, you begin to connect. you start to laugh at his jokes, really listen to his ideas, and you decide that at the end of the date you are going to invite him out again.

out of nowhere you suddenly start thinking of your ex and you wonder why on earth are you thinking of him when you have a new potential lover with you. then it hits you. he's exactly like him. uncontrollably, you start to think about all the pain and hassles that you went through just to keep that relationship alive. well, it died. after four years and three months. that was when you made a list of things that you wouldnt want in your future lover. as he is talking about the current political climate you start look for telltale signs. it feels as if you are in a parallel universe and you are back when you were still a relationship virgin and your former lover was seducing you by discussing his dissertation on kant. you dont know kant but you have just met someone that fits your description of a lover so you go with him. not knowing that the next four years and three months would be hellish. uncool. too painful to even think about.

that was when you start getting scared. that was when you start thinking of your date as a thug with a broken bottle about to dig into your chest and rip you apart. that was when you start to feel the shards of glass still left in your heart. they still hurt. you still bleed from time to time. but being with your date feels so good that even if you are very well aware that you are about to commit the same mistakes you dont give a damn. you just dive in.


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