Showing posts from November, 2008

strolling around decrepit hospitals looking for the cure

i have been absurdly depressed these past few days. stress at work is at an all time high. i've been missing alot of deadlines again and have been producing crappy work. yesterday i was at the philippine orthopedic hospital to do research on an article that i am writing. all i needed to know is how much backpack weigh can a kid take. no one seems to know the answer. i went to the pediatric division where i was referred to trauma. they, in return, referred me to spine. in the end, i went home with only a few information but not with the one that i want. it was lovely though strolling around the decrepit building. i love the dark hallways, the seemingly abandoned rooms, and the decaying concrete. it was four in the afternoon and the entire building was bathed in shadows. i felt like i was in an old infirmary looking for the english patient. it was romantic and, well, depressing. come to think of it, that's the only good time that i have had in the last couple of weeks. maybe i s…

three oh shit!

i just turned 30. i know i dont have to announce this as my weathered face is already a give away. when i was 20 i was worried about turning 25. didnt the great orson welles created his masterpieces before turning 25? janis joplin, jim morrison and kurt cobain all expired before turning 30. should i now go to the kitchen and stick my head into the oven?(sylvia plath died when she was 31.)

my birthday celebration started when i met jed at close to midnight in cubao after our taping. it wasnt really for a big parteeeh! but for a raket (i have one slated for next year, yahoooo!). but of course before we talked business, we made chismis first. it was nice meeting jed again actually. i was reminded of our care free days when we would start and end our day eating and drinking in timog. boy, did i had money back then. we went home at around 4am.

a few hours later, i was awakened by weng's text messages. i was late for my appointment in makati. I dashed to gma and then to the mrt station.…


"As my great grandmother used to say, in matters of sexual proximity an inch is as good as a mile."

victor / victoria

should i listen to this guy?

"One of the things i've realized is that growing old is compulsory, but growing up is optional."

- Sebastian Horsley in an interview with Interview magazine

how about putting this instead?

i'm a pessimistic self-confessed loser who is struggling to stay afloat now that everything is in recession. i constantly complain about my day, which is always ruined by pesky sales clerks, idiotic taxi drivers and despicable mall security guards. during times of great crisis, i look for answers in books and films (as i seem to get no comfort from friends and family). Scribbles and vandals at the back of bus seats and comfort room walls are some of my sources of amusement. before i die, i promise to call up one of these trashy guys (and that's you hottiedude with a 7 inch cock so get ready haha!). i am happiest when i have two or three appointments in a day. it makes me feel wanted and loved. my greatest dream is to receive an Oscar award for directing so i could go up on the stage and say: "So this is what it feels like to win Best Actress." whenever i am in a group i do my best to remain inconspicuous. i always portray myself as an idiot-savant but deep, deep down…

in transition

dahil papalitan ko na ang aking g4m profile, i'll post my intro here. this has served me well in the site. most of the people i met were more or less artistic and cool. but since i just turned 3o (yes, three-oh!), i think it's time to, um, grow up:

moody. pretentious. clinically depressed. interesting (i hope). a bit shy. severely insecure. extremely ambitious (or delusional, it depends on who you ask). loves having drunken conversations with cute strangers. i love writing. i love shooting (with a video camera, not with a gun). i love books. i love films. and though i try, desperately and unsuccessfully, to be a cynic and an all around bitch, i am, in reality, an absolute romantic and idealist.


Malakas ang sinag ng umaga ngunit maaligamgam ito sa katawan. “It’s six o’clock,” sa isip isip ko. “Too early.” Pero nakikita ko na siyang nakabangon sa gilid ng kama, naaanigan ng araw. Nagising siguro siya sa liwanag. Sadya naman siyang maaga kung gumising. Ilang beses ko na rin siyang nadatnang nakaupo sa gilid ng aming kama nagiisip. Sa mga ganitong okasyon ako nalilito. Takot at kasiyahan ang naglalaban na parang mga alon. Natatakot ako dahil sa kanyang pag-iisip para bang hindi ko siya masusundan. Nang dahil sa dilim ng kanyang pananaw baka maiwan ako.

Pero madalas rin masarap siyang pagmasdan. Nasa malalim na pag-iisip— mga bagay na bagay na alam kong lilitaw din sa mga sulat niya sa akin. Sinisikatan ng araw na para bang tunay siyang nakakaunawa. Kapuna-puna ito sa kislap ng kanyang kutis, sa mga linya sa kanyang katawan. Para bang ang kaligayahan ay iginuguhit papasok sa aking pagkatao. Kung ako ang tatanungin ito ang litratong mahusay na kumakatawan sa kanyang kabuoan: mata…

hook up

you finally meet with him. okay so he's not as attractive as his picture-perfect self. but then again, so are you. you suddenly remember how your g4m main picture was taken when the sun was about to go down and everything was bathed in its crepuscular glow. then you decided to take out your camera phone and shoot yourself. the result was spectacular: you actually look like human.

but you forgive him for somehow deceiving you. after finishing half a stick of cig, both of you decide to walk, to shake off the initial awkwardness. both of you refuse to divulge what you do. you find it ridiculous because when you asked him if he's out he said yes. based from what he is wearing you try to guess what he does for a living. so you are a... graphic artist? ... a writer? ... a folk singer? no? he is after all wearing buddha beads and tattered jeans.

as you walk farther he starts to talk about KMU and Kabataan. he asks you if you have ever been in the underground. you tell him that the un…

according to camus

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."

- Algerian-born French author, philosopher, and journalist Albert Camus

work in progress

Meron akong idea for a story. Basta tungkol lang siya sa isang bading na umuwi sa kanilang probinsya after 10 years. Of course may chenes siya sa mga tao sa probinsya nila (kaya nga 10 years ang absence niya diva). Ang plot: mamamatay na ang kanyang demonyitang ina. iniisip ko yung bidang lalaki isang lifestyle editor na parating naka-Jackie O na sunglasses at pashmina. think: baklitang echosera sa pelikulang temptation island. ang nasusulat ko palang yung opening sequence kung saan darating ang bida sa airport at ookrayin ang lahat nang nasa paligid niya. at ending kung saan na-resolve na ng konti ang kanyang mga hang-ups. oo, alam ko, ilang beses na natin napanood ang ganitong pelikula pero nage-enjoy pa naman akong sulatin kaya keri lang. maaliw ko lang ang sarili.

eto ang isa sa mga nasulat ko palang. pupunta ang baklita sa close friend niyang ghel. mao-off ito sa kanegahan ni bakla.

girl: ikaw nakalanghap ka lang ng polusyon sa maynila naging demonyo ka na.

bakla: i resent that.


carrying an imaginary ten-wheeler truck on my poor, thin back

two days ago, it was noel cabangon's wala kamatayang “kanlungan.” then it was avenue q's “for now.” Today it was nina simone's “if you knew.” simone's song kills me. “If you knew how i missed you, you would not stay away today,” she sings in her trademark low (almost manly) voice. “Dont you know i need you, stay here my dear with me...”

for some strange reason i'm in mourning. i would listen to these songs over and over again hoping by the 50th time i would feel okay. it never happens. I really need to to get out of this deadly funk.

takbo, bilis, takbo

tumatakbo ako. well, hindi naman takbo. it's a toss between running slow or walking fast. basta ngarag na naman ako. pawisan. oily. panget in short.

tumatakbo ako sa kahabaan ng bridge sa may gateway. medyo bwisit dahil for some reason and for the second time this month hinahabol na naman ako ng mga deadlines ko. ang magazine nginangarag ako sa article. ang sp tinatanong sa akin kung saang camera ang interviews. si weng nagtatanong na sa status ng aming equipment at talents. at si ms avic, well, ayun, i'm sure sinusumpa na niya ako dahil wala pa akong ex-deal e next week na ang festival. kalokah noh?

actually hindi naman ito mangyayari kung hindi ako nangarag last week at puro half-assed ang pinaggagawa ko sa mga trabaho ko para lang maitawid ang mga deadlines. ayun, naitawid nga hindi lang maayos. kaya eto ako, sa opening sequence palang, tumatakbo na. parang si lola sa run lola run.

at habang tumatakbo ako napaisip ako. nyeta, yayaman ba ako sa pinaggagawa ko? magkaka-laptop …