saturday night, sunday morning

i was hoping my friend and i would go out last night but when after six o'clock she hasnt sent any text messages i realized that i have been dumped. i was then having coffee with weng and the gang, thinking of ways to get more raket. we're thinking of forming a small multi-media company and one of our non-negotiables is that we would never do a pro-bono project. (how noble of us, noh? hahaha)

"Dapat parating may MTB?" said Bochee.

"What's an MTB?" asked Weng.

Magandang Tanghali Bayan? I thought.

"Money to burn," he said.

Panalo!

After the meeting, Bam and I plotted our night. He was bored and I was dumped so we asked another gay friend, Michael, if he wants to go drinking with us. While waiting for Michael's social calendar to clear up, we went to timog for dinner whereby we bumped into another friend who, apparently, is on a date with his secret lover (?).

"I think that's his boyfriend," i told bam.

"But doesn't he have a live-in partner?"

"Um, I think sha na yun."

"He's cute no?"

I think he was. I couldn't look straight at them because i could sense the discomfort of our (closeted?) friend. such was the awkwardness that we decided to park ourselves outside of the restaurant. Timog was rather lively that night and people were constantly coming in and out of the establishment. Sitting beside us was a group of theater people who was chatting rather loudly about their recent project.

"O.A. naman kasi si direk (a popular TV and theater director-writer) mag-praise eh," said one gregarious girl.

"I know. kahit hindi naman."

"Alam mo, i don't like doing TV or movie work."

"Bakit naman, easy raket yun."

"It's not because I don't have respect for TV actors. I do. It's because I can't seem to come up with the right emotion on the spot. It's so unlike theater where you can study the role months and months on end!"

"Iba din yung mundo nila no?" I told Bam.

"Ha?"

He was preoccupied with his editing schedules.

After dinner, we headed towards Kalye Juan. We sat outside the resto waiting for text messages from friends. I was thinking of texting someone I dated years ago but I was afraid that it might be construed as cheating (wow, as if i care). since we had nothing much to talk about, bam and i just spied on the other patrons and scouted for cute guys.

"That one is cute oh," bam said, pointing at a 20-year old kid with a keffiyeh wrapped around his tiny neck.

"ay, oo, he is cute."

long legs, lean body, cute little smile.

"go-ness yan lola, maharot pa yan sa kama."

immediately, thoughts of the boy and I wrestling on a large bed came on my mind. i saw myself kissing him on his lean, brown, hairless stomach, thereby eliciting a loud chuckle from him. hmmm...

but it was a bad night for boy-watching so after two rum cokes we decided to call it a night. we were walking home when we passed by two pamintas along tmorato.

"uy, yung isa nakatingin sa yo," bam said, teasing.

"wow. it must be my cleavage," i said. i was wearing a purple v-neck t-shirt, which conveniently reveals a large patch of my white, hairy chest. with a clean-shaved hair, i looked like a huge cock peeking out of a kursesilyo. honestly, i wasnt ready to call it a night and i was secretly hoping that one of my former lovers would suddenly text me and invite me out. no one did, however, so with a slight buzz i headed straight for home.

when i arrived at the apartment the boyfriend was talking to someone on the phone. it appears that he is being interviewed for a job (at 12midnight, on a weekend?). still, i gave them the benefit of the doubt. he scooted out of the room while i turned the tv on. sakto, velvet was having a sex and the city marathon. the first episode was the one with jack burger. i love ron livingston. i think he is a babe. and when the scene came up where he made the perfect phone message, which began with: "Hi, this is jack. not jack keroack but jack burger..." i was in absolute heaven. the mere mention of a long-dead beatnik was enough to make me swoon.

when after three fun episodes the bf was still on the phone i began to be suspicious. but i wasn't angry. i guess we're already at the point in our relationship where we're wondering where the zsa zsa sou went. i then started fantasizing about being single again: mindless fuck-nights, drinking galore, exciting saturday dates, etc. my boyfriend and i nearly broke up a few months ago but it was i who wouldn't (couldn't?) let him go. am i still madly in love with him? (i think?!) do i still care about him? (i do, i really, really do). but after much thinking i realized that what i was most afraid of at that time was to end up all alone again.

i now know why relationships really need a lot of work. i really wish i have thought of this two years ago when the mere sight of his toenails made me sing to high heavens. after almost two hours, he came back to the room and sidled next to me. though his touch didn't bring much comfort i soon found myself sleeping soundly in his arms.

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