it's two in the morning and i'm reading my own blog, which is kind of sad because it's not only narcissistic but unproductive as well

jan. 10, 2007 / 10pm / xavierville

I have a new boyfriend. The relationship is just a week old but i’m so intense that i ask him to sleep over in my new apartment almost every night. yes, i have a new boyfriend and a new apartment just as the new year kicked in. fortunately, he lives just a few blocks from where i live.

we met through an internet gay site. we’ve been exchanging text messages since august but we were only able to go out a few days before the 31st. contrary to what he kept on telling me, i am quite sure that i was the first one to ask him out. during that time i was getting frustrated with the guy i was dating and i wanted to keep my options open. “I’m dating someone right now,” my current boyfriend said through a text message, immediately blowing me off.

a few months after that, we saw each other in malate. manila has just experienced a particularly disastrous typhoon and half of malate was in darkness. i was with my officemates and he was with his boyfriend. i saw him from the other end of the street. i wasnt sure if it was him since we have never met in person. he was smiling, looking in my direction and i kept on checking if the cute short guy was actually looking at me. i actually half-wished that we would bump into each other later that night. but of course we didnt because apparently he and the boyfriend had other plans. it was his birthday that night.

i had great fun that night though. after our first encounter, i brought my friends to a gay bar and we danced our heads off until dawn. i got so drunk that when a stranger came to dance with me i kissed him full on the lips, much to the shock of my officemates.

the next day, however, i received a text message from my future boyfriend, asking me if i was, indeed, in malate that night. eventually, he would also bump into my twin brother during a premiere of an indie film, mistaking him for me.

i was still dating another guy when my current boyfriend and i finally met in a mall to watch zsa zsa zaturnna. it is usually not my style to watch a movie on the first date. after all, why would my date and i engage in a passive activity when we should be sitting somewhere, in a cafe most probably, probing each other’s life (or desire, for that matter). but i agreed to go to the movies since i was already resigned to the fact that we would eventually become not as lovers but friends. however, i was surprised to find myself going bonkers for the guy. i was so into him that our date, which began at 5 in the afternoon, lasted until 12noon the next day. in fact, i even invited him to our house to celebrate the New Year with my family. we’ve been inseparable every since.

i think the first time i knew i love him was when we were watching a gene kelly movie on cable. instead of watching the movie, he was explaining to me the story of the binukot, a tribal princess that can be found in panay island. and as i listened intently to his stories, i was suddenly reminded of what i felt during our New Year’s eve celebration. it was my first time to bring home a lover during a family gathering (of course, i didnt had the courage to introduce him as my boyfriend) and i was trying to observe my mother’s behavior. usually, my mother frowns at me whenever i bring home boys to the house. this time, however, she was rather cordial. my boyfriend and i sat in front of our house, along with the other guests, and watched our affluent neighbor shoot up firecrackers in the air. i remember thinking how happy i was at that moment: firecrackers lighting up the midnight sky, my boyfriend looking at me from the other side of the table, my family all around us. it felt like a lovely ending of a feel good gay movie.

my boyfriend also works in the media so we are forever trying to find time for each other. right now, im in an editing house working while he is at home writing a script. i’ll be seeing him at dawn since i promised to bring some food and medicine to his house. he has been sick for a few days now. he told me that he is not used to being fussed over. normally, he was the one taking care of the boyfriend. i guess, i told him, it’s about time that somebody took care of him instead.

he has already told me a lot about himself but what bothers me most are his previous relationships. between us, perhaps, there are a dozen or so men that we have dated, fucked, and even loved. and now, as i promise to take care of him, i would like to think that among all of his lovers i am the only one who loves or who has loved him honestly and wholeheartedly although im quite sure many of them did practically the same thing in the past. in fact, they can be in my place right now had things turned out differently. but we have already talked about trusting each other and staying monogamous. But it is not the present temptations i am frightened of. what i am frightened of mostly are the echoes of his past lovers because i know very well that they are the ghosts that i have to eventually contend with.


southdude said…
i dropped by to read your blog. :-)

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