dear diary

March 30, 2008

I woke up at around nine o’clock. I dreamed that I was behind my deadlines again and my boss treated Lany and me to KFC. I was at the counter waiting for the server to get my order. After a few minutes, she went up to me and asked me what I wanted and added that I should’ve called her attention earlier. “Hindi ka kasi nagsasalita eh,” she told me in a haughty voice. This ticked me and I told her that her job is to get orders and if she wasn’t as stupid as she is she would have realized that I was waiting for someone to approach me. She looked at me in total shock. I was angry. I even put my finger on her forehead to embarrass her even more. When I woke up, I could still see her imploring face but I didn’t feel anything.

I went out of the room to make some coffee, which we were out of. I sat in the kitchen and wondered why I even bother to wake up early in the morning. Then I realized that I wake up in the morning so I could have a quiet time working on the script, which I have totally lost interest in.

Everything has been kind of gray this past week. I was thinking of joining Cinema One but I realized that there is no chance in hell that they will give me a grant for my script. I don’t have a proper demo reel and I haven’t even made a short film. I kind of took it against my brother when he refused to come on board with me. On Thursday, I went to GMA with MJ for a job interview. It was nice seeing old officemates, actually. Bam looked like he is finally enjoying his job. Weng went out of her office to chat with us downstairs. Former Bulaga cameramen even took time to hang out with us. When we were in the hallway, I saw two of my officemates from my first show but they just ignored me. I don’t know if my drastic weight loss and full beard had made me unrecognizable or they just didn’t care. I think they just didn’t care.

I went home a little depressed. I have been out all day and I miss my boyfriend. I’ve been feeling sluggish lately. I haven’t done anything in weeks. I have even stopped looking for a job. I don’t know. Since January, I have been rejected by two online magazines, a newspaper, a TV show, and a movie outfit. They would look at my credentials, tell me I’m perfect for the job and then not hire me. I was watching old episodes of Sex and the City yesterday and there was a scene where Carrie was comforting her gay friend Stanford who is having a hard time hooking up with men.

“Maybe it is just a phase,” said Carrie.

“Puberty is a phase,” Stanford said. “Fifteen years of rejection is a lifestyle.”

Maybe what I have today is not just a phase. It's already a lifestyle.

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