I woke up with acute loneliness. I was lost and confused, angry and irritated, guilty and so beat I did not know how to begin looking at myself. For three years now I have been so depressed. I think this is a sign that I need to look for someone. I realized that no matter how you avoid having relationships it would find its way to you one way or another. Either it will force you to find someone or it would fall out of nowhere and present itself right at your doorstep. And I do not just mean romantic relationships.

My favorite characters are those that are Byronic. These are the characters that in the beginning seem to be heartless but beneath the heartlessness lay the ability to change, to possess compassion. I think these characters emphasize the fact that what keeps us alive is love. If not love for someone else then love for ourselves. I think when humans are devoid of love they will literally die, because the human body will find no reason to continue living. When all the needs and pain swell because the person has become indifferent to everything, including with his own life, he will resist living.

The universe is a cold and indifferent place to live in and the people who reside in it grab every opportunity to find love in order to make sense of our seemingly godless existence, said a character from Woody Allen's Crimes and Misdemeanor. According to him, during the time of creation love was not invented. It is only we, humans who invented it. This is our way of coping with the acute loneliness that the universe throws at us. Without it, we are nothing but carcasses waiting for our impending doom.


Wrote this, I think, during the late '90s. I was a lonely teenager. It took me a while before I was able to come out of the closet. Fortunately, I was not that stupid. Th picture above is a still from Wong Kar Wai's Happy Together. The two characters are not necessarily Byronic but their story is sad as hell.


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